Full disclosure…DEFINITELY NOT a professional blogger here. Just one middle-American-woman who’s lost in the sauce over recently discovering a “truth” which has always been evident. And that truth is…I’m married to a narcissist. I know…I know…I’m still digesting this and at times, I’m over whelmed by the gravity of what this represents or could represent. My mind is a mess, my heart is torn, and my life…well…it’s limping along.
I could begin by dragging you through years and years of detestable behavior on the part of my husband… not to mention, the ways I reacted to or retaliated against him…in a fruitless effort to improve our star-crossed existence as a couple. However…there are a hundred thousand stories such as these in relationships across the golden plains, so… lets not. I’ll skip ahead to a few weeks ago. This would be the time in which, thanks to a close relative, I really dove into what it meant to be a narcissist. Before this, I’d glazed over cute little quotes from sites like Pinterest of Facebook, referencing traits of narcissists…with out giving them much more than a passing glance. And truthfully, I don’t think I’d of ever really given the topic any thought if it hadn’t been for my relative. They’d lovingly suggested I look up a psychologist on you-tube who specialized in narcissism, because they thought I’d really get a lot out of it. So…I did. And well…I sure did. I watched video after video, listening to the ‘good doctor’ describe my husband to the letter. And with each video, I scrambled to make sense of what this meant for me. If I believed the man in these videos…then it meant that I’d never really been loved. I’d just been a pawn in a long game of being used for deeply psychological reasons even unknown to the user; due to a brain disorder caused in early child hood by trauma of some kind. (Which stunted his ability to feel empathy or recognize others as equals and somehow, along the way, become a perpetual user who in essence sucked the souls from anyone who tried to love him in an intimate sort of way; because he needed to protect his venerability…he has to appear in charge.) I’d have to believe that I’d continue to never be good enough, or change enough, or obey enough, for my husband in any measure…that he would never see me as a valued and valuable human being that deserved curtesy, respect, kindness, dignity, love, or honor. And must stunning of all… I would have to believe and accept that there was absolutely and unequivocally NO HOPE that my relationship would ever get any better… EVER! And even deeper a horror for me…facing the presumptive reality that if I stay with this man…I WILL NEVER EVER HAVE A CHANCE TO BE HAPPY! Wow…
As in most “diagnosis” of bad news… the hearer wants to live in denial for a bit, then there’s the next step of bargaining… I’m basically in-between those two stages right now. I know my husband has this condition… yet… somehow I wonder could I find a way to live with it? And not be swallowed up in complete and total misery… Are there instances where a couple somehow worked through the acknowledgement of this circumstance, and came out on top? So far… I’ve not learned of any positive outcomes… Just account after account of where you have to untangle yourself from your narcissist partner… to be begin the healing process. I don’t like thinking about this because it means my children will suffer… I’d have to figure out some pretty important logistical changes as well… really, it’s so much to think about.
Until next time..